Family Reunion
by lilkyonkyon
Summary: The Uchiha clan has a mandatory five year reunion, and Sasuke thinks he's having this one by himself. Boy, was he wrong. Rated T for swearing. Crack!fic. Oneshot.


So, this is a really random fic. I don't even remember how I got the idea. I'm sure it involved me and very little sleep, though. In any case, enjoy! Ps. Nope, don't own Naruto.

**Family Reunion**

"Itadakimasu," Sasuke sighed to himself. The entire table was full of food — food he had been busy preparing for three days now — but he was the only person sitting down to eat. It was a little more than sad. It was downright pathetic and he knew it. But tradition is tradition, he told himself again. Today was the pre-determined date of the Uchiha family reunion. He'd rather stop hunting his brother than give up his heritage. Sasuke sighed again, lifted his chopsticks, and picked up his first bite of rice.

That was when the doorbell rang.

At first, he wasn't sure if he'd heard it right. He went to continue eating, but it rang again, followed by some pounding on the door. With a resigned tightening of his lips, he scrambled to his feet and dashed to the front.

"No visitors…" he began as he opened the door, but then he froze.

His brother was on the doorstep.

"But it's the family reunion today, isn't it?" Itachi wondered aloud. "Weren't you expecting company?"

"No," Sasuke burst.

"For shame, Sasuke. That's not very hospitable." Itachi gracefully brushed by him, making sure to take off his shoes as he entered the house. "I brought some ice cream mochi for dessert, if you like. Is vanilla still your favorite flavor?"

Sasuke's shock kept him from answering properly.

"I'll put them in the freezer." And just like that, Itachi padded into the kitchen. Like he hadn't killed the entire clan one night and abandoned Sasuke a few years ago.

Just to be sure, Sasuke pinched himself.

It hurt.

Damn.

"Were you getting ready to eat?" Itachi asked as he stepped back into the room. "Everything looks delicious."

"Aniki," Sasuke interrupted through grating teeth, "I know that okaasan wouldn't have liked it if I killed you in the house… so could you please just _leave_?"

His brow furrowed into a frown. "Sasuke, don't be foolish. This is a tradition that goes back far before you or me. I know that you've vowed to kill me, but don't let that get in the way of our family's day." And with that, he kneeled at the table and helped himself to dinner.

Sasuke stared. Then, with a pronounced groan, he sat across from his older brother and continued to eat. He assumed that if he pretended not to see him, he would really go away. It didn't work the way he wanted it to.

"You've done quite well, Sasuke. The rice is particularly good. I do remember the shashimi being a bit better, though."

The younger boy grit his teeth, but answered, "Gomen nasai. Okaasan would've made the sashimi, but she couldn't come this year. Because you fucking KILLED HER!"

Itachi scowled at his little brother's outburst. "Sasuke, watch your language."

The younger Uchiha muttered mutinously to himself while Itachi contentedly helped himself to more rice. Just then, the doorbell rang. "I'll get it, _aniki_," Sasuke growled sarcastically through his clenched teeth. He pushed himself off the floor and rushed to open the front door. But when he saw who it was, he blinked in surprise.

"Kakashi-sensei?" he said.

"Ohayou, Sasuke," the jounin said. "Sorry I'm late. I was picking up some sake."

"What are you late for?" Sasuke asked naively.

Kakashi smiled at him as he replied, "The family reunion, of course."

Again, Sasuke blinked. "But you're not an Uchiha."

"Of course I am. I'm half-Uchiha. How do you think I got this eye?"

"You said you gouged it out of my uncle's dead body."

The jounin shrugged. "Same diff."

"Who is it, Sasuke?" Itachi's voice called from the dining room.

"It's no one!" the boy shouted back, attempting to close the door on his teacher. Kakashi, however, wedged his foot in the doorjamb and forced his way in, because he's a ninja.

"I'm glad to see you've been keeping the house nicely," he commented as he made his way towards the dining room. He greeted Itachi pleasantly and sat down at the table like he belonged, even though he most definitely did NOT.

"Aniki," Sasuke whined. "He's not supposed to be here. Make him go away."

"Come on, Itachi," Kakashi interrupted his student. "Don't you remember the family reunion ten years ago? I was at that one. I'm allowed to come every other reunion because I'm half-Uchiha."

Itachi frowned in thought while Sasuke rolled his eyes in exasperation. "You can't honestly believe that he was there," the younger boy snapped. "Just make him leave!"

"Actually, I do sort-of remember him being there," Itachi admitted, partially to himself.

"WHAT?" Sasuke shouted back.

"See?" Kakashi said smugly. "Now, who wants some sake?"

"I do," Itachi replied. He held out a cup and Kakashi poured him some while Sasuke gaped at them in disbelief. This was not the reunion he had pictured.

"Both of you need to leave now," he pressed, trying to grab the sake out of his brother's hands. Naturally, it did not work. He wound up face-first on the floor, listening to his brother and his sensei chuckle as if Sasuke were a toddler that had tripped over his own feet.

"If only okaasan could see how much you've grown," Itachi said wistfully.

Sasuke's scream of frustration was muffled by the tatami.

"I miss being here," Itachi sighed, as if he had not heard. He then sipped his sake and resumed eating, politely instructing Kakashi to help himself.

The youngest continued to lie on the floor for another minute, trying to collect his scrambled thoughts. This seriously wasn't happening. His brother, a wanted S-Class missing-nin, was not offering to pour Sasuke's jounin-ranked teacher more sake. And said-teacher—who decidedly was not an Uchiha yet insisted on coming to the family reunion—most certainly did not accept.

He tried to laugh at the absurdity, but he would have much rather cried.

"Sasuke, please sit up. We have a guest," Itachi scolded. "You're acting like a baby."

"You're crazy," Sasuke accused, but he obliged his brother by sitting at the table and mechanically eating his meal. He couldn't handle this scene without a full stomach, anyways. Chopsticks in hand, he tried his best to ignore the pleasant conversation going on around him. Meaning, of course, that he heard every word.

"Sasuke is my prize student," Kakashi was saying, "and he has grown tremendously. He could easily become a chuunin soon."

"Sasuke, why didn't you tell me? That is wonderful news."

The younger boy rolled his eyes. "It must have slipped my mind."

"Would you like to practice with shuriken?" Itachi said suddenly.

Sasuke shook his head in disbelief. "Are you joking? Why the hell would I want to practice with _you_?"

"When you were younger, that was _all_ you wanted to do."

"That was before you _killed_ everyone."

Itachi shrugged blandly. "You could have just politely declined," he said. "When did your manners become so pitiful?"

"Now, boys," Kakashi butted in, "no fighting today. What would your father say?"

"You're right, Kakashi-san," Itachi acquiesced.

"You too, Sasuke," the jounin admonished, turning to him. "I don't want any arguing on a special day like this."

Sasuke thought he was going mad. Honest-to-goodness stark-raving mad. He was supposed to have a nice dinner alone, maybe train a bit, and then go to bed at a decent hour. Instead he was eating his meal across from his renegade older brother and being admonished by a man who was, to put it bluntly, an idiot. Something snapped inside, and he suddenly jumped to his feet. "That's it!" he bellowed. "Both of you, out!"

"Now, Sasuke—"

"I said get OUT! Out out out out _OUT_!" He wheeled both of them to the front door and gave them a shove, sending both toppling onto the porch outside. "AND DON'T COME NEXT REUNION, EITHER!" he added for good measure, slamming the door in their faces.

Outside, Kakashi and Itachi calmly brushed the dust off of their sleeves.

"Was he always like this?" Kakashi asked offhandedly.

Itachi nodded. "Yes, always."

* * *

And there you have it, a random fic. Whether you liked it or not, please review!


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